Betty Crocker Liveth Not in Sailor Pluto's Kitchen
by ShadowSandrock
Summary: No, it's not in old English! One shot! Setsuna can't cook! To what measure will she go to in order to learn how to become the next Betty Crocker?


This is really nothing more than like the stuff at the end of SuperS manga #2, only poor Setsuna never gets to have any fun. Now she does! This girl really can't cook…

**Betty Crocker Liveth Not in Sailor Pluto's Kitchen**

It was another fine and sunny autumn day in Tokyo. You know, one of those days that you just want to look outside and enjoy the day before the sun sets eight hours after it rises. Yes, such is life in the North. Tokyo, after all, isn't that far south of the North Pole. In fact, Japan is about halfway between the Equator and the North Pole. It is here that the days start at 7 in the morning and end at 4 in the afternoon. Cold breezes blow, killing any signs of deciduous life in their path. And somewhere in a small apartment building, somebody watched leaves fly through the streets in disgust.

"Time sucks," said a dark, shadowy figure, standing in the porch window. The trees were almost naked, and all the leaves were stuck to the grass in an eternal dampness, making raking them impractical until Indian Summer. She stretched, then sat down in her spinny chair to work on her computer program again.

"Hello, Setsuna!" it churped. Setsuna typed in her password and loaded the program. "No enemy data detected since first attack."

IYes, it's been a day or two since that new Enemy appeared/I thought Setsuna as she keyed in some new data. Randomly, her stomach began to grumble... she pushed the thought of eating lunch early aside and resumed typing in an equation.

"Setsuna, it is 12:30 in the afternoon local time. It is time for your lunch!" the computer quirked to her. "May I suggest for your 2,000 calorie diet, a fresh green salad, a half of a bagel, and one half of a cup of strawberry yogurt?"

"That sounds delightful!" Setsuna responded, finally standing up and walking to the doorway of the kitchen. She winced. Something about the kitchen always got to her... she never could seem to pinpoint exactly why, but a new Setsuna comes out every time she tries to cook. She reached into the refrigerator and began to try to pull out ingredients for a salad... lettuce, bell peppers (_Usagi's absolute favorite_, thought Setsuna), tomatoes, more bell peppers, French dressing and finally some croutons. Setsuna got out a knife and began to attempt to chop up one of the peppers. The chunks ended up shaped like origami and some still had seeds in them.

"Ok that should be good!" said Setsuna with a big, happy, fake smile as she popped the bagel into the toaster. She pulled out a tomato and quickly whisked it through the air, chopping it with a butcher knife on the way down and in effect butchering the poor tomato. Blobs of sauce dripped on the cutting board, and Setsuna's shirt got red squirts on it. (Fortunately, since it was fall, she was wearing red already.) "Wow, what a healthy looking tomato! Now for some lettuce!" She put the lettuce in the water and pulled out tons of chunks, and threw them in a bowl. Setsuna took a few croutons and put them on top of the concoction, finally taking the bottle of French dressing and, while trying to shake it, squirted the dressing onto the ceiling fan, which whipped orange gooeyness around the kitchen.

"What a healthy lunch!" sang Setsuna as she sat down at the table and opened her tub of yogurt. She gripped it too tightly, however, and it quickly accelerated northward into her face. "This is tasty!" She shook the fruit bits in her salad for no reason other than she had nothing better to do with them. A waft of something not-so-pleasant hovered into her nose... the lovely smell of fire in the morning. The bagel!

Setsuna quickly popped the bagel out. It was perfectly toasted... finally! Then what was the burning smell? "Hmm..." She walked over to the stove. It was on fire! Setsuna put her vegetable remains in the stove instead of the garbage disposal! "Ohhh my god!" she yelled as a burst of flame erupted from the stove. She pulled out the hose from the sink and sprayed the stove until the fire stopped. Unfortunately she also soaked her bagel... Setsuna took out some fat free cream cheese and began to scoop it onto the bagel. She looked at it and began to laugh.

"Hi!" said a voice from behind Setsuna. Setsuna froze. Her singed hair stood up on all ends and there was yogurt on her face, she was scooping large chunks of cream cheese into a puddle of dissolved bagel and the ceiling fan was whipping around orange dressing still. "It's us! We're here to visit!"

Setsuna slowly turned around. Sure enough, Usagi, Chibi-Usa and Makoto were there. Usagi and Chibi-Usa took one look at Setsuna's face and began rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. Mako couldn't help but snicker a little bit... Setsuna looked like a roast clown. The kitchen looked like George Bush suspected there were weapons of mass destruction in it. In fact, the only weapon of mass destruction was the bottle of French dressing.

"Hey Setsuna... Heinz-sight is 20-20, right?" said Chibi-Usa between laughs as she picked up the bottle of French dressing. "I really dig this new color of your walls... but it looks too rogue. Might I suggest Pine Sol? That really takes care of those nasty discolorations."

Usagi snorted. "It looks like Setsuna tried the home version of Trading Spaces with Yoplait!" Chibi-Usa and Usagi wandered out of the apartment laughing hysterically, leaving Mako to cheer Setsuna up.

"It's okay, Setsuna... I understand, not everybody can be Betty Crocker." Mako put a hand on Setsuna's shoulder. Setsuna didn't say anything. She just stared at the floor.

"Betty... Crocker..." she said under her breath.

"Yes, Setsuna, we all can't be Betty Crocker. But I could teach you how to cook, perhaps?" Mako smiled at Setsuna.

Setsuna froze for a second. Suddenly she jumped on her feet. "BETTY CROCKER!" she yelled, running out of the building.

"Oh no, here we go again..." moaned Mako.

**Betty Crocker Factory  
**  
A small hissing sound escaped from one of the vats at the Betty Crocker factory. A figure materialized out of steam emerging from a vat of flour. "I am Jemima, the ghost that haunts this factory..." she moaned. "With the power of Betty Crocker's label and my cooking, I can take over the world and the energy of young maidens!" Psychically, she envisioned Setsuna running towards the supermarket for some Betty Crocker cookbooks. "Aha... that would be a prime candidate."  
Jemima floated out into the street and happily landed on Setsuna's shoulder.

**Setsuna's Apartment, Five Days Later**

"Wow!" said Chibi-Usa as she looked at Setsuna's dinner table. It was covered in fourteen different types of pastry, two gourmet meals (one Italian, one traditionally Japanese), and several assorted appetizers that all looked so delicious.

Usagi's mouth watered. "I want to eat them all..." she cried.

In the kitchen, Mako and Setsuna worked on washing dishes. "No No No!" yelled Setsuna as she pulled a plate out of Mako's hand. "Betty Crocker says that you scrub each plate 22 times on each side, and you only do 19!"

"But--"

"I don't want any buts out of you, girly!" sang Setsuna as she ran along the wall, wiping down everything with her new Betty Crocker-approved Swiffer mop. "Betty Crocker knows best!"

"Right." muttered Mako. _Something is amiss..._ she thought to herself as she started wiping off dishes and putting them away. _I sense danger_... A few minutes later, Setsuna was ready to start to eat dinner. "Well, Betty Crocker says that we start with natto and work our way through to the Italian food!"

"Can't we just eat it?" groaned Usagi and Chibi-Usa.

Setsuna tutted her tongue. "Not unless we each have two scoops of natto each."

"B-b-b-b-b-but we hate natto!" whined Usagi and Chibi-Usa at the same time.

"Not this new recipe I got from _Betty Homes and Gardens_. You'll like it, guaranteed!" Setsuna daintily began to take the first bite. "Watch how I chew each bite twenty times, girls!"

"This is ridiculous!" snapped Mako. "Setsuna, snap out of it!"

Setsuna stared at her blankly. "Snap out of what? Is something the matter?"

"Yeah, something's the matter!" said Mako angrily. "Why don't you just let us eat in peace!"

"Oh... fine, then, I'll go in the other room, where you're not, and eat in peace there, chewing twenty times and reading _Betty Digest_ while drinking out of the official _Betty's Recommended Serving Size Cup_ to make sure I get my eight full cups of water a day." Setsuna stood up and dazedly walked into the other room.

"I think something's seriously wrong with Setsuna." said Mako. Usagi and Chibi-Usa weren't listening, though. They were too busy eating everything they could see. "Fine, I'm going to check on her... you two stay here and eat, I guess."

Mako walked into the next room. Setsuna was unconscious on the floor, a spirit hovering over her head writing recipe cards and turning everything in the house into a silhouette of Betty Crocker! "What are you!" yelled Mako. "A new enemy!"

"I am Jemima, the spirit that haunts this girl's mind. I'll never let you go!" With those words, Jemima shot out a layer of gooey pancake syrup at Mako. Mako ducked and dodged it. "You can't escape me!" Jemima shot out several more balls of goo at Mako, but Mako dodged them all.

Mako touched her broach. "JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" Sailor Jupiter's fuku appeared over Mako. "Sailor Jupiter will punish you for your sins! Jupiter Oak Evolution!"

"Gummy Syrup!" yelled Jemima. A layer of syrup protected her and Setsuna, and the attack blasted Jupiter into the wall. "Caking Flour!" Flour attached itself to Jupiter's stunned sillhouette. Jupiter was encased in a shell of pancake mix! "SAILOR MOON! CHIBI MOON!" she screamed. They were too busy eating to hear her screaming, however. She was in the next room over, too!

**Setsuna's Subconscious**

Setsuna was lost in a dream world inside herself... all she could see was flowers, happy meals, recipes and traditional 50's ladies with their cropped hair in bandanas flipping flapjacks. "What a wonderful world..." Setsuna stopped to pick a daisy. Suddenly, something thwapped her!

"Ow!" yelled Setsuna's dream self, rubbing her head. "Who's there?" She turned around. It was a small figure of Sailor Pluto!

The figure groaned. "Setsuna, what are you doing?" she demanded to know. "The Enemy is in your kitchen killing your friends! You have to fight!"

"But what about dessert... dessert..."

"What about it! Jupiter'll cook! Your job is to protect the Door of Time and our Princess!" yelled the figure. "I am Guardian Pluto, your Sailor Star Guardian. I have been created to guide you... I am your conscience. Now, Setsuna, resurrect with the aura of Pluto!" Setsuna's brooch shone with the power of passion that Pluto's volcanic energies granted her.

"I am Sailor Pluto and I cannot worry about dessert!" she yelled.

**Setsuna's Kitchen**

Setsuna snapped out of it. She stood up quickly. "It's the enemy... in my kitchen!" she gasped. She held her hand high above her head. "PLUTO CRYSTAL POWER... MAKE UP!"

"What are you doing! What about dessert!" yelled Jemima as Sailor Pluto appeared in front of her. "Stop! I'm your friend Jemima!"

"Evil spirit who dares to harass an innocent college girl who wants to protect her friends, I won't forgive you! Soldier of time and space, Super Sailor Pluto won't let you get away with your deeds!" She whipped out her time key. "Pluto Sunset Gust!" Pulses of purple air slammed into Jemima, destroying her instantly.

"Good job Pluto!" cheered Jupiter as the casing disappeared. However, the kitchen didn't look too great... once again, it looked as though Bush thought there were weapons of mass destruction hidden in her spice rack. "You defeated the enemy! But why didn't Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi Moon show up..."

"I think I know the answer..." said Pluto as she handed Jupiter a meat tenderizer. They walked into the dining room and sure enough, Usagi and Chibi-Usa were unconscious on the table, stuffed full to the point of falling asleep. There was no dinner left for anybody else.

"Shall we?"

"Yes, we shall."

And with that, Pluto raised her time staff, and Jupiter raised the meat tenderizer.

BONK!

**The End!**


End file.
